Do you remember this photo? It was so long ago and everyone loved it, went nuts for it. And I don’t know who that woman is anymore. The spark in her eyes, the smirk across her lips. I can’t feel her in me anymore. My anxiety is imploding, bouncing thoughts around inside me, I am bound for self-destruction. A ticking time bomb. Do you know how to stop the bleed? I am reaching for band aids but I need to cauterize the wound. I have cried four times today. I went through my boyfriend’s receipts because I imagine he is lying to me because it’s easier than believing he actually wants to be with me. And I am always waiting for the bottom to fall out. Of everything. Today I’m trying to still myself. I put on my running clothes. I organized my purse and my vitamins and I poured myself a glass of water. I’m listening to spoken word poetry in my earbuds and starting laundry and decluttering around my house because I find it helps me. When my mind is a mess, I declutter it by decluttering the physical things around me. I am trying to find her again. She is inside me somewhere suffocating under the clutter, choking on the anxiety. I am afraid my brain will not let me get to her but I have learned tiny steps are best. So I have a list on my white board of places to organize, of things to move, of things to organize. If I can move enough of it, I know I can get to her again.i have to do a better job of being kind to myself. Later I will take a bath and put on a face mask. Today is a bad day. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. #katsavage #wcw #anxiety #anxietyrelief
Today, I am grateful. Though I’m not sure that word covers my exact range of emotions I am feeling or just how much I’m feeling them. I posted about my son a few days ago. If you haven’t seen it just go back a few posts. Long story short, read that and then know that a wonderfully kind, truly amazing person reached out to me and insisted on paying the full cost of his tuition for the year. Over $12,000. And so, fearing it might be a scam but desperately wanting to believe it wasn’t, because this is my son and I’d do anything for him, I trusted them. And it was real. And they sent me the entire amount of money. And I’m still sitting here in disbelief after seeing it with my own eyes. Words have and will truly fail me here. I don’t know what to say. But believe me when I say, kind people exist. I will never be able to repay them for what they’ve done for my son. I only hope to be able to pay it forward, but by bit, act by act. I will try my very best to every day to make a difference where I can. You get back from the universe what you put in. I’ve always believed that. Thank you, all of you, for being here with me. #katsavage #wcw
